You might be a Proghole if...

At some indeterminable time in the past, some source in the Salem Hill inner circle coined the term "proghole." The term was used to describe a progressive rock elitist who was long on opinion and short on the knowledge to support it and/or the wisdom to keep it to himself. However, over time, we (SH) noticed with great concern that there are some "progholian" tendencies which we all, at one time or another, exhibit. We told ourselves that an occasional transgression does not a sinner make. But just to be sure, we've composed and compiled a test--a litmus test, as it were--by which we can identify certain tell-tale signs of progholiness. If you find yourself guilty of a couple of these, fear not. All of us have pitiable human failings. It's what makes us human. If you find yourself guilty of a handful, you may just be a borderline snob. There's still hope for you. However, if you're guilty of more than five, you'll find no humor in this list, and, quite frankly, will probably be too pissed off to even finish it.

You Might Be a Proghole if...

• 1. the word "mellotron" causes a strange tingling in your private parts.
• 2. you refer to Yes' lead singer as "the holy prophet Jon Anderson."
• 3. you blame Phil Collins for "driving Peter Gabriel out of Genesis."
• 4. you love the albums "Invisible Touch," "90125," and "Love Beach", but are ashamed to admit it.
• 5. you actually liked SH's "Not Everybody's Gold."
• 6. you know what a firth is.
• 7. you believe the talent of a drummer is commensurate with the size of his drum set.
• 8. you consider lyrics to be wasted time between solos.
• 9. you go to a King Crimson concert and take notes.
• 10. you look down on any keyboardist who is "not willing" to haul around a real Hammond B3.
• 11. you prefer Bruford to White, noting with knowing condescension that "groove and feel are way overrated."
• 12. you actually like Steve Howe's electric guitar tone.
• 13. your menage a trois fantasy involves you, Emerson, and Wakeman.
• 14. you find nothing comical about Robert Fripp, and are willing to kick anybody's ass that does.
• 15. the prefix labels of "Cantebury", "melodic", "symphonic", and "neo" before the word "prog" all simply mean "sucky".
• 16. you've named all the fish in your aquarium the names of past and present Yes members.
• 17. the words to "Close to the Edge" have profound meaning in your life.
• 18. you've done time or community service for striking someone who said, "I love Yes. Owner of a Lonely Heart rocked!"
• 19. you regularly set aside "me time" to listen to Tales from Topographic Oceans in its entirety.
• 20. you still love Kansas, despite their miscues with Carry on Wayward Son, Point of Know Return and Dust in the Wind.
• 21. you've ever constructed and worn a Jethro Tull "Aqualung" stage jumpsuit.
• 22. you've spent years in therapy in an effort to forget that John Wetton has ever been involved with anything outside of King Crimson.
• 23. you're one-word code for "time to leave" at a Yes concert is "Roundabout."*
• 24. all of your favorite bands are named after characters or places from "The Lord of the Rings."
• 25. you believe a bassist isn't even worth a derisive chortle if he doesn't own a Rickenbacker.
• 26. you actually know what a Warr guitar is.
• 27. you find yourself labeling most current Prog as "derivative", yet you secretly pine for Yes to record "Close to the Edge II".
• 28. you believe that radio play signals a band's demise.
• 29. you think "Beatlemania" is for pathetic hangers-on, yet you've seen "The Musical Box" six times.
• 30. you spend more time and energy on turning your woman onto prog than on turning your woman on.
• 31. you've danced to "Tom Sawyer."
• 32. you're unwilling to admit that Zeppelin was a prog band.
• 33. upon finding that one of your friends has discovered a Styx album in your collection, you find yourself quickly spouting "youthful indiscretion."
• 34. upon leaving an ELP concert, you find yourself repeatedly mumbling "sellouts!" because the band only played the "1st Impression" of "Karn Evil 9."
• 35. you think Yes' "Union" album should have been title "Onion" instead--it stank!*
• 36. you're male, college educated, you're a groupie, yet you're asexual.
• 37. you've ever called a radio station and cursed them out for playing the short version of "Thick as a Brick."
• 38. you know who Annie Haslam is.
• 39. you know the lyrics to any Gentle Giant song.
• 40. you insist on your own Persian rug when you play onstage.
• 41. you know what Taurus Pedals are.
• 42. you hear a car crash and say "That's derivative of {insert band's name here.}"
• 43. your music collection is broken down by the note's the artists have played.
• 44. you will spend oodles of money and time to see a band but only get their CD's by swapping.
• 45. you actually know that "House of the King" was done by Focus and not Jethro Tull.
• 46. you know the difference between Jurgen Fritz and Keith Emerson.
• 47. you principally condemn house/dance music (because any sound generated by a computer can never be music) but secretly compare the soundstyles on [insert any hit] to [insert any keyboard player]'s playing on [insert any record here].
• 48. in addition, you secretly wish they had contracted Steven Rothery to "spice it up some more".
• 49. you consider ANY music style to be derivative of prog, since it is "the only true form of music".
• 50. you have ever betted on the runtime of "A Change of Seasons" and/or "Grendel".
• 51. you actually agree with Fish and/or Marillion on their reasons NOT to play Grendel anymore
• 52. you have tried every prog album in you and your friends' collection as a soundtrack to reading "The Return of the King" and finally decided that, since they all suffice, Tolkien must have been a proghole as well.
• 53. your favorite band's "world tour" consists of 3 shows on the east coast--a bookstore "unplugged" show, a pre-festival, Friday night warm-up gig with six other acts, and a free show at your uncle's tuxedo rental shop.
• 54. you believe that prog's heyday will single-handedly be resurrected by the Chapman stick.
• 55. you love King Crimson...but wish that Lake, Wetton, and Belew would just keep their freakin' mouths shout.
• 56. you believe that playing keyboards without a cape is a crass and disrespectful mockery of the craft and prog genre in general.
• 57. you can sit in a room with other 'progholes' and intelligently carry on a conversation when it comes to the bands Renaissance and Illusion...but, all the while wishing they would all leave so you could listen to The Strawbs' Hero and Heroine' on vinyl.
• 58. you can resite any of Peter Gabriels stories he told in between songs with Genesis in both English & French!
• 59. you pay for the wife and kids to move out for the weekend so you can organise your own little progfest at home with all those 65-75 live albums you have. Even throwing on "Framptons Comes Alive" as the supposed non prog entity!
• 60. you believe that Rael was a real person and have searched for his biography on the internet!
• 61. you cry when your children call your CD collection boring and ask if you have any Nirvana!
• 62. you get teary-eyed when your children sing along with any of your old Prog records.
• 63. the first thing you look for in a good school for your kids is if they offer classes in Kobaian.
• 64. you're no longer speaking to your wife since she refused to name your children Dweezil and Moon Unit.
• 65. your boss has started questioning the upper-case 'K's before every 'c' in your memos...
• 66. your daughters're named Galadriel & Nico.
• 67. you've ever taken your son shopping for cymbals 'cause his kit looks bare with less than a dozen.
• 68. you measure the value of a song by the number of time signature changes in it.
• 69. you buy a record with roger dean's art on it regardless of the music in it.
• 70. you prefer the vinyl mastering of Fragile to the remastered CD
• 71. you lack the basic rules of civility you should've learned from your parents and find it necessary to publicly post a preview of your attendance at ProgDay2004, declaring "I'm probably going to need to be good and drunk to enjoy Salem Hill." (Our personal fave of the ProgHole list, BTW)
• 72. You bought two copies of the Special edition of Bridge Across forever. One to keep sealed and other that you burned copies of for your car, your office and your wife's car "just in case." Then they both were put carefully away.
• 73. Even though you do not listen to "Christian Rock", you own all of Neal Morse's solo albums.
• 74. You own the entire Magna Carta catalogue.
• 75. You have had to get laser tattoo removal since John Petrucci went with Ernie Ball.
• 76. Your Christmas list is formed by going through the Inside Out Web-site.
• 77. You can discuss how James Labrie has become more consistent live.
• 78. Although you do not play drums you own Liquid Drum Theater and Progressive Drum Concepts.
• 79. You claim April 20th as a Holiday.
• 80. The Letter X at the end of a band's name tells you that they must be progressive.
• 81. A Bassist is not worth his weight if he does not play more than four strings.
• 82. You contemplated suicide when the DTIFC closed up shop.
• 83. You've created a list of top 10 concept albums.
• 84. You consider anyone who adds to this list "anti-prog." And tell them to go listen to Mushroomhead.
• 85. You pushed for Rush’s "Time Stand Still" to be your senior class song in high school.
• 86. You had "June" or "Surrounded" played at your wedding.
• 87. You have tried to sync Dead Poets Society to A Change of Seasons a la Pink Floyd and The Wizard of Oz.
• 88. You claim that the Blue Man Group are prog because they use a Chapman-Stick.
• 89. You rave about how ground-breaking the Italian band _______________ was in the 1970s...yet had never heard of them until last Tuesday.
• 90. You fume that Best Buy and Circuit City stores carry loads of Metalblade rubbish, but not a single Magna Carta release.
• 91. You can name every musician that ever played for Yes and which album they played on, but have trouble remembering your kids’ birthdays.
• 92. In naming every musician that played for Yes you wish you could ignore Trevor Rabin and pretend that Chris Squire was the lead singer on “Drama”, but for the sake of completeness, cannot.

Special thanks to all non-SH contributors. (The check's in the mail!) Can you think of others? Send 'em to us at salemhill@hotmail.com or carlgroves@bellsouth.net and we'll add 'em.